Wistfulness
by Moya-chan
Summary: Set week after Masaki’s death. The time Isshin needed to realize she was not coming back and that his children are all what’s left for him. Family fic, PG, Isshin-centric. No beta for now.


When a tearful sobs fill the silence of the night Ishin is still wide awake

**Fandom:** Bleach

**Title:** Wistfulness (One shot)

**Pairing:** Isshin/Masaki

**Rating:** PG

**Warnings:** None. Not even to Isshin's past.

**Beta:** Ryua

**Summary:** Set week after Masaki's death. The time Isshin needed to realize she was not coming back and that his children are all what's left for him. Family fic.

**AN:** The idea of the story came to me months ago but until now I didn't quite now how to put it in words. Kind of short, more like a long drabble than a full fic.

--

When tearful sobs filled the silence of the night Isshin was still wide awake.

It was an occurrence that had happened every night for the last week and even though he knew that this couldn't go on, that it was his duty to stop the tears, he couldn't summon enough strength to move from his spot on the bed; his back to the door of their bedroom, his head on her pillow that still held some of her fragrance.

He could hear distant steps in the hallway, sounds of an opening door and a female voice that hushed the crying boy. He heard even the whispers from such a distance, the quieting sobs and eventually the sound of light switch being turned off. He waited.

Soon soft steps followed and his door creaked open, letting in a thin strap of light that laid over his back and their bed.

"I know you're not asleep." Matsuko's voice was calm and collected, but underlined with deep sadness. Distinctively Isshin wondered that it sounded almost exactly like Masaki's and his chest clenched with hurt. "There is no way you could sleep now."

She too had lost someone she loved, her precious girl. No one in the house slept well ever since the accident.

"Your son was crying. Snap out of it, Isshin. Your children need you."

He didn't bother to reply. He knew it all too well. He did not avoid them, taking care of them during the day. The girls were still small, so his mother in law's help was not to be underestimated. He feed them when they needed food, he helped Ichigo put on his clothes, he did everything he could to forget and he was staying in the clinic until late hours, all to avoid coming back to an empty house and a cold bed and the disappearing smell of his wife that was no longer there.

"You have to stop blaming him for what happened."

"I'm not." He protested as soon as the words left her lips, as if trying to convince not only her but himself too.

XXX

The next day was Sunday and it meant the clinic was closed for the day unless an emergency came and Isshin almost couldn't fight the urge to stay in bed until he lost all the feeling in his nerves and maybe, just maybe, his heart would stop to hurt too.

But he raised himself slowly, straightening out her pillow that he laid on for the whole night without sleeping. He had never felt so detached from life as he did then, knowing that for every single day of his life he would wake up in an empty bed. No more comfortable weight resting near him. No more silky hair tangled in his fingers.

He did everything automatically, raising himself from bed, brushing teeth, showering. The shelf above the bathtub still held her shampoo. The cabinet near the mirror had her perfume and makeup. Isshin knew he would have to throw it away at some point but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He could probably leave the bottle of perfume around for long enough until Yuzu or Karin could use it. Masaki would probably want it.

He made his way down the stairs into the kitchen, where he saw a freshly made pot of coffee and a note from Matsuko that she had taken girls to the park. There was no sight of Ichigo around.

But his son had a habit of disappearing even before Masaki was gone. She would usually find him playing with other kids on their street. Isshin looked out of the window and indeed, neighbors' kids were all there, but he could not see a mop of familiar orange hair. Frowning, he put on his jacket and left the house, a key to the door under the doormat for Ichigo to find it if he came home early.

Arisawa's girl was there, beating up some boy for who knows what reason. When the girl spotted him she released her victim, and the boy crawled away as quickly as he could.

"Good morning, Kurosaki-san." She bowed lightly, and Isshin could not help but notice that despite her obvious temper the girl was raised to be polite to her elders.

"Good morning. Have you seen Ichigo today?"

Tatsuki looked surprised and then thoughtful, finally giving him a sad look.

"He might be at the river again." She shook her head, making her jet black hair flip a bit. "He's been there a lot lately. And he doesn't come to play with us anymore."

Isshin smiled and patted her hair gently, trying to make her pout disappear.

"I'm sure he'll come around. You're a good friend to him, Tatsuki-chan, and Ichigo doesn't abandon his friends."

She eventually smiled and waved him goodbye as she ran to her friends, worry now forgotten.

He felt like smoking when he walked down the street. He was glad it was still early and not many people were outside; he'd had enough of the meaningful looks from the people he knew, of the pity in their eyes. Poor doctor Kurosaki, who had lost his wife so suddenly. Becoming a widower at such young age. Raising his children alone when his wife died protecting their son.

Isshin stopped dead in his tracks when he came to the riverbank. From where did that thought come from?

Ichigo was there, just like Tatsuki told him. The nine-year old boy was crouching at a safe distance from water, looking not at the waves but more like through them. Suddenly it all clicked into place, as Isshin recalled the days when he had not seen his son for hours and realized he was here, every day for the last week, staring at the water and hoping Masaki would return if he waited long enough.

XXX

That night when crying filled his ears again he did not wait.

Entering Ichigo's room he flipped the night lamp switch on, revealing himself to Ichigo who looked surprised to see him there. But his surprise was quickly forgotten as tears rolled again and his son reached for him with tiny hands.

"Hey" Isshin sat down at the edge of the bed and tried in vain to wipe the boy's cheeks from their tears. "Come here, Ichi."

A small set of arms wrapped around his neck almost instantly as his son's chin rested on his shoulder and Isshin suddenly understood how foolish he had been for the last couple of days. Raising himself from the bed, he took little Ichigo with him, wrapped around him as tightly as his short arms and legs would allow him too and turning the light off before exiting the room.

Matsuko was standing in the hallway, as if guarding the place and hoping she would not have to intervene for another night in the row. When Isshin stepped out of Ichigo's room with the sobbing boy in his arms, she barely nodded in relief and went back to guest bedroom. Isshin had a vague feeling that maybe now she would actually get some rest. Maybe they all would.

Ichigo hadn't slept in his parent's room for years, but Isshin didn't really mind as he settled them both on the bed. The boy's head settled on Masaki's pillow and Isshin hoped her distant scent would soothe his worries.

Twenty minutes later Ichigo was finally calm, tears dry on his cheeks as he breathed into the pillow slowly. Tucked safely under the cover and with Isshin's hand stroking his hair he seemed to be falling asleep.

"Dad?" A whisper from his son made Isshin snap out of his thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"Mom is not coming back, is she?"

He wished she could. Oh, how he wished. It would be a small mercy for Ichigo, to tell him he didn't know, to spare him another night of bad dreams...

"No, Ichi. She's not coming back."

He expected Ichigo to start crying again but to his surprise he did not, he just nodded sadly and closed his eyes; soon his breathing fell into regular rhythm.

Isshin could not help to smile when his son snuggled up to him in his sleep and stared at the boy for couple of minutes.

"You're going to be okay." He whispered into the night before closing his eyes, really closing them for the first time in days. _You're going to be okay_.

He didn't know if he said it to Ichigo or to himself.

He slept.


End file.
